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prcko
The Doctor
Starost: 33
Horoskop: 
Kitajski horoskop: 
Pridružen/-a: Ned Jul 2005 19:14
Prispevkov: 17287
Kraj: Slovenija
254273.34 V.EUR
|
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.
"Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."
He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
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prcko
The Doctor
Starost: 33
Horoskop:
Kitajski horoskop:
Pridružen/-a: Ned Jul 2005 19:14
Prispevkov: 17287
Kraj: Slovenija
254273.34 V.EUR
|
Customer: "My computer won't work. You guys must have broken it when you installed the modem."
Tech Support: "What happens when you turn it on?"
Customer: "It won't turn on anymore!!!!!"
Tech Support: "So you don't see any lights or hear any noise?"
Customer: "I'm telling you it WON'T TURN ON."
Tech Support: "Is it plugged in?
Customer: "OF COURSE it's plugged in, you MORON!"
Tech Support: "When you push the power button it--"
Customer: "Power button? This computer doesn't have a power button."
Tech Support: "Sir, all computers have power buttons. Look at the front of the case, find the word 'power,' and push the button."
Customer: "YOU FIXED IT!! Thanks!!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "Ok, I've turned the computer off, then on again. It still says, 'Safe to power off, or press any key to reboot'?"
Tech Support: "No, not the monitor switch, the CPU switch."
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Customer: "I bought this computer from you two hours ago, and it doesn't work! I want my money back!"
Store Clerk: "Let me see..."
So I plugged the computer in and turned it on. I showed him that it was working, then I turned it off.
Store Clerk: "Sir, this computer does work. I'm afraid we can't take it back."
Customer: "How in the world did you turn it on?"
Store Clerk: "I pressed the power switch."
Customer: "You must have pressed something else, because I know for a fact that the power switch doesn't work!"
He reached over and pressed the reset button repeatedly.
Customer: "You see?"
Store Clerk: "Sir, that's the reset button. This is the power switch."
Customer: "That's a switch? I thought it was a decoration!"
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Customer: "Help me, I can't print or read so-and-so's files anymore."
Tech Support: "Well, can she print and access the files?"
Customer: "No, she's not here today."
Tech Support: "Well, go to her pc and try to print the file."
Customer: "Ok, but I'm kinda busy and it takes so long for her PC to boot up when I turn it on."
Tech Support: "You mean you're trying to print to a printer hooked to her PC and access files on her computer, and it's not turned on?!"
Customer: "No, it's not on; does it have to be?"
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prcko
The Doctor
Starost: 33
Horoskop:
Kitajski horoskop:
Pridružen/-a: Ned Jul 2005 19:14
Prispevkov: 17287
Kraj: Slovenija
254273.34 V.EUR
|
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f ... ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f ... ing bored, not f ... ing stupid!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this . I've got the Little Fokker in sight."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if, you are able. If you are not able. take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B~52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702. Contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC~8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC~8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am, l' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
==========================================================
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe
sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews
and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged
maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and
the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is
the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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siljo
Administrator
Starost: 27
Horoskop: 
Kitajski horoskop: 
Pridružen/-a: Sob Jul 2005 19:37
Prispevkov: 17668
Kraj: slovenija
250560.30 V.EUR
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right mount of money would always be
there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a
big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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siljo
Administrator
Starost: 27
Horoskop:
Kitajski horoskop:
Pridružen/-a: Sob Jul 2005 19:37
Prispevkov: 17668
Kraj: slovenija
250560.30 V.EUR
|
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a poodle of a
well dressed, middle-aged, French woman.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour and put this American
in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in
the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And
now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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siljo
Administrator
Starost: 27
Horoskop:
Kitajski horoskop:
Pridružen/-a: Sob Jul 2005 19:37
Prispevkov: 17668
Kraj: slovenija
250560.30 V.EUR
|
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
- God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."
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